Recycling the Middle Aged Man

I originally posted this blog on December 22, 2013.  Almost 3 year later (10/2/16) I have some updates that are in italics below:

On November 5, 2003, I purchased my first serious road bike (the kind you pedal).  I had been an avid runner since college, but, after 2 back surgeries, my doctor and my back convinced me that I needed to find a different road to fitness.  Since that date, I’ve logged over 27,000 cycling miles, I’ve owned 5 road bikes and 2 single speed track bikes.  Needless to say, I like riding.

Like running, riding comes with its own unique culture.  Riding culture revolves around equipment, distance, speed and location.  Riders use terms like “carbon fiber” or “steel” to describe the construction of their bike frame.  We have cleats on our shoes, egg beater pedals, 700X23C tires, cork wrapped handle bars, campy components, cranksets, cassettes, cogs and it goes on and on.

I live in a cycle-centric community.  We have a resident cycling professional who I occasionally pass (going the opposite direction) on the road.  On any given day, I may see as few as 2 and as many as 50 riders on my regular 20-mile trek.  The great thing about riding is the number of men “my age” that participate.  For context, the age category is over 50 and under 70.

Anyone associated with cycling will notice that the male cycling population breaks into two categories, young guys (under 30) and old guys (over 30).  The “old guy” demographic is broken into two subgroups, malnourished cadaverous fellows who are made up primarily of legs and lungs (I’ve labeled them “skinny boys”), and guys with age-appropriate builds (I’ve labeled them “fat boys”).  This article celebrates “fat boys.”

Fat boys are guys who own bikes and actually ride them in order to avoid taking the final step from being reasonably overweight to obesity or death.  A regular disciplined riding regimen is our blood pressure medication and I’m living proof that it works.  Fat boys make up the largest demographic of serious male road cyclists.  Fat boys have regular jobs that keep them from riding 2,000 miles every week.  A significant accomplishment on a daily bike ride for a fat boy is to arrive back home alive.  A really significant accomplishment is to be able to reach the down tubes (lowest point) on our handlebars to steer the bike, it means we were able to extend our arms past the farthest reach of our bellies.

“Skinny boys” are guys who own bikes and spend a lot of time riding.  They have regular jobs like the fat boys, but they are skinny because they spend all of their money on expensive equipment like BMC carbon fiber road frame bikes with Selle Italia SLR Superflow titanium railed saddles and Campy Super Record crank and gear sets.  They simply have nothing left over for food, so they subsist on protein bars, lettuce and energy drinks.  In their defense, they do look good going down the road.

There are a variety of differences in cycling philosophies between fat boys and skinny boys.  Fat boys will wave and acknowledge you when you pass or get passed by them.  This wave is a sign of camaraderie and respect.  The act of removing your hand from the bar and waving at a fellow rider requires the rider to stop pedaling or reduce his cadence.  This offers a welcome rest from pedaling keeping him from going into cardiac arrest.  So the simple act of waving has both cultural and fitness benefits.

Skinny boys just ignore us.  They are younger, faster, stronger and typically possess a level of cycling arrogance that keeps them from acknowledging lesser riders.  Yeah, I’ve got baggage.

So much for context……. 

There are a number of mental and physical obstacles to riding.  For example, as you become more serious about riding, you will feel compelled to buy riding shoes and clipless pedals.  Riding shoes are one of the most important equipment decisions a cyclist makes.  Since you don’t walk in them, they simply don’t wear out.  Riding shoes are designed to be used with clipless pedals.  An added advantage is that most incorporate a Velcro closing system, just like your dress shoes.  Clipless pedals use a device which allows you to “clip in” to your pedal.  Once clipped in, it’s nearly impossible to get your foot off the pedal without a specific non-anatomically natural movement.  The purpose of the clip is to allow the rider to pull up on the pedal simultaneously with the down stroke maximizing the energy transfer from the legs to the pedals to propel the bicycle forward into your first cycling accident.

I know what you're thinking…..  If you have to “clip in” to clipless pedals, what genius named them clipless.  I don’t know, but I'm voting for a skinny boy. 

However, I do know that during your first couple of rides with clipless pedals, you will likely find yourself slowing to a point where your brain sends a message to your foot to remove itself from the pedal and step to the ground so you won’t fall over when you come to a complete stop.  When the message is delivered to your foot it’s usually delivered without the essential instruction to twist your foot outward before lifting since your foot has never needed this instruction in the past.  The clipless pedal is designed to take an enormous amount of upward physical force without releasing the foot, in order to transfer the maximum amount of energy to the pedal and wheels.  As the speed of the bicycle continues to slow from 1 MPH to 0 MPH the message from your brain to your foot becomes significantly more desperate while the foot struggles against a device whose sole purpose is to keep it from executing the instruction.

Bottom line……. You fall over.  Special note….. You usually fall over in front of people who wonder what a guy your age is doing on a bicycle with only two wheels.

On to appropriate attire for road cycling.   Appropriate being an oxymoron when combined with age and build.  Enter Spandex.  Spandex is Latin for “humility.”

Spandex is a synthetic fabric designed to stretch 6 times its natural size in any direction.  It makes a perfect form fitting cover for anything with an unusual shape, for example, a middle-aged male bike rider.  The core objective is to go faster without your clothes flapping in the wind or, even worse, filling with air and acting as a parachute.  For a rider, spandex offers compression to help muscular performance and reduce wind drag it also aids in the process of sucking your gut in when you are passed by a group of younger female riders.

Unfortunately, the form fitting aspect of spandex also accentuates any and all unsightly physical “anomalies” that make up the natural shape of most middle-aged men.   In other words, it’s one step up from riding without clothes.  The problem with cycling clothes is that the manufacturers are just beginning to realize that the target market for their overpriced painted on clothes are guys who may appreciate a “full cut” style, leaving a few of their anatomical “anomalies” to the imagination.

There is a sizing protocol for cycling clothes that works something like this….  If you wear an XL shirt, you will need a 6X to 7X riding jersey – and that’s simply to be able to wrestle the ends of the zipper together, there’s no guarantee you will be able to zip it up.  If you want to get from your bedroom to the bike in your garage without sending your wife into a fit of uncontrollable laughter or permanently scaring your children, I suggest the 10X – it’s really not that much material and it will give your fragile male ego a fighting chance.  As for the shorts, the sizing rules are the same, but the shorts, mercifully, come with a sewn in adult diaper.

There is a special sizing vocabulary for comfortable cycling wear.  Look for words like “Club Cut.”  Like the words “relaxed” in blue jeans or “husky” when you were a kid, it means that a garment labeled as a 36” waist is really a 42” waist in disguise.  This sizing vocabulary allows you to select and purchase the garment while retaining a minimal amount of dignity when the checkout girl announces the sizing over the store PA while getting a price check.

Post Script:

Since many of my articles are published on Boomer-livingplus.com I’m including a list of my favorite cycling gadgets and equipment.  I’m not being paid to promote any of these products (the manufacturers can feel free to rectify that at their own discretion).  These are simply items I’ve purchased and found to be particularly useful for riding:

RokForm Apple Phone Bike Mount:  I used the Quadlock for several years, but the cases would crack from being taken on and off the bike.  This is a great little bike case and has a magnet in it so you can stick you phone on anything metal from your refrigerator to your car.  Great for working in the garage.  I use the universal mount because the Pro Mount won't work on my head set.

SRAM 1X Drive Train:  I retired my Shimano Ultegra almost two years ago and opted to be an early adopter of the 1X drive train.  The 1X series has a single front ring (no front derailer) and an 11 X 36 on the back.  It simplifies riding without giving up the climbing gear. I have 4989 miles on it as of today.  I replaced the cassette @ 4,900 miles and the free hub about the same time.  Not bad.  However, my left thumb is out of shape!

Bi.cycle app for your smart phone:  There are lots of apps out there and this GPS based app is excellent.  I have used it for several years and over 18,000 cycling miles and it’s worth every penny.  It's a cyclometer that gives a readout on real time speed, average speed, top speed (for the ambulance driver), calories burned and vertical climb along with a map of your route when you’re done.  If you plan to rob a gas station when you're riding, I suggest you leave this app at home.  I purchased this app on 4/22/10.  It keeps a cumulative total of calories burned.  On 9/18/16 (6 years and 5 months) I broke 1 million calories, over 26,956 miles.  I weigh more than when I bought it ......  Go Figure.

Glympse app for your smart phone:  This is a great safety app.  It sends an e-mail to whomever you invite and they can activate a link and see your position real time on a map.  I never leave home on a solo ride without sending a “Glympse” to my wife. 

Blackburn Flea 2.0 tail light:  This LED tail light is very small and very bright.  Recharges on your USB.  I’m a minimalist and this is a great bright minimalist light.

Bontrager Flare R tail light:  I purchased this tail light about 6 months ago.  It's smaller, but brighter than the Planed Bike Superflash.  I put my Blackburn on my single speed.  This is a great rechargeable light.

Planet Bike Superflash rear bike lite:  While I’m a fan of the Blackburn Flea for a precise clean minimalist design, the Planet Bike Superflash rear bike lite is one of the brightest tail lights I’ve seen.  I’m pretty sure you can be spotted form outer space.  This is the light I put on my wife’s bike… 

Topeak under the seat wedge bag.  Small, easy to move from bike to bike and clever design.  I like just about everything this company sells.  Topeak products are thoughtfully designed and robust.

Road ID (roadid.com):  It’s simple.  There are two kinds of cyclists, those that have had a wreck and those that are going to.  Road ID can give life saving information to emergency personnel when you can’t.

I know I’m missing a bazillion great products; these are just a few of my favorites.