Can I please have your most uncomfortable seat?

As a (very) frequent flyer, I’m one of those lucky guys you see seated in First Class.  While you are boarding the plane, I’m already sipping my first cup of coffee as the flight attendant is hanging up my jacket.  During the flight, I get free movies and a dazzling array of snacks, while you try to wrestle two peanuts out of a Kevlar package the size of a thimble.

Airline travel is a high stress occupational hazard that has become increasingly difficult in the past couple of years.  As the airlines attempt to charge for anything, up to and including the recirculated air on the plane, and are willing to slam the boarding door in your face to protect their "on-time" statistics - life for travelers has gotten tougher.  

It started several years ago when airlines started charging for luggage over a certain weight, which escalated to charging for all luggage.  The traveling public fought back by attempting to carry all of their luggage on the plane.  It finally degraded into a caste system.  Woe to the “untouchable” who is designated #3 in the boarding que; they will be admonished for bringing ANYTHING on-board while their carry-on bag is cast into outer darkness.

Included in the evolving degradation of travelers has been the constant narrowing of seats and shrinking of leg room.  In order to fit into the seats on my preferred airline, you need the hips of a supermodel and the legs of a jockey.

Recently, I was crammed into a middle seat on a coast-to-coast flight.  The good news was that I was in an “Economy Comfort” seat.  I know this because it was stitched right into the leather on the seat.  The bad news was that I was in an “Economy Comfort” seat, which was neither economical nor comfortable.  The marketers who dreamed up “Economy Comfort” validated the designation for the balance of the seats on the plane.  You guessed it, “economy discomfort.” 

There is no question that the privilege of being at the highest status level has ruined me.  I have a special airline phone number when I need help.  I am addressed by name and constantly thanked for my business.  I board first; get all the peanuts I can eat, as long as I have the energy to open multiple packages with two peanuts each.  I even get meals and fresh fruit.

I also have a fresh copy of the airline magazine (“fresh” is designated as having an untouched crossword puzzle).  These rags are designed to entertain and distract passengers who brought no work, no reading, or are unable to raise their wedged-in arms high enough to poke their iPod, iPad, iPhone or eyeball.  The mags contain self-promoting photos of well-dressed people in very comfortable looking seats with loads of leg and elbow room.  I would like to know which aircraft in the fleet was used to take the pictures.  I was on over 140 individual flights last year and never saw seats that resembled the ones in the picture. If I can’t see the plane, I would like to meet the miniature people who are in the pictures. 

The airline marketing deparments consistently produce copy that makes flying look glamorous, comfortable and just plain pleasant.  I suspect the marketers don’t have to fly anywhere. 

My prescription for change in the industry is to furnish the homes and offices of the senior executives, aircraft designers and marketing associates with seats from regional jets.  Then require 150 of them to work together in a 6 foot by 40 foot aluminum tube. It probably won’t change anything, but it will sure make me feel better.